1. I was drunk off shitty vodka he was tall and looked like a boy I used to love. I pressed my forehead against the glass window and told him I loved being high up and he told me to come back to bed where it was dark and warm and I couldn’t see all the lights and the little people swarming 63 floors down. he told me his little brother’s name and I used to remember it. I’ve forgotten by now.
2. he kissed me tasting like tequila and trying to make me something that I wasn’t. he kissed me because I was there and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. writing about him makes my blood stand still I think I’ll stop before my arteries start to clog.
3. I was sucking a cherry lollipop and feeling like Lolita, he was throwing his shoulders back and thinking about soccer season. I put my lollipop in his mouth and he said “why don’t we have this conversation walking”. under the trees at night before the cops shut the party down he put his hands up my shirt and then got bored when I wouldn’t fuck him with my mouth. sometimes when I see him I smile a little like “maybe…if you had waited another minute…”
4. I took the L train to Brooklyn it was hot and sticky and I was worried he wouldn’t like my hair. when I wandered into the bar I didn’t recognize him until he touched my shoulder. he said he didn’t like sleeping because it was boring and he stuck his fingers in hot wax and he rolled me a cigarette and then apologized when I told him I’d quit last yeah but I’d smoke it anyway. his apartment was full of stupid art and I don’t know why he never texted me back. maybe he found out I was too young for him. maybe when I kissed him he tasted high school on my lips.
5. he was hands, hands, hands, touching me in the shallow water of a man-made lake. he was in my hair and falling into wet sand his lips were all over my chest he murmured “don’t leave me what am I going to do without you.” I left the next day. “you’ll be fine.” I wish he had left bruises on my skin but he is far too kind for that and he calls his little cousins cook, short for cookie.
1. He bought me lilies for our one month anniversary. I put them in a water bottle in my locker. They died. They were too pretty for high school and I hated him after three months.
2. He got very high on a Thursday and told me that he hated his hair. I loved him immediately.
3. He left his house because I told him that I was sad and pretty. We lay in the grass and kissed under the street lamps and weren’t afraid of being hit by cars. It was only nice once.
4. He told me he had always wondered what it would be like to kiss me. I couldn’t resist that. He tried to put his hands in my pockets and I told him it wasn’t cute.
5. He got me drunk.
6. He asked me to be his strip poker partner. I don’t really know how to play poker but I think we may have lost on purpose. A few months later I found out he got into Cornell. I was happy for him.
7. He kissed me on the staircase and we blocked people’s paths. He gave me a hickey right in the middle of my neck as if he wanted my mother to hate me.
8. He touched me with both sides of his hands and when I asked him why he said it was because he wanted to.
9. He bought me a notebook but I was afraid that none of my thoughts would be lovely enough for it so I just carried it around, blank, for months. Maybe years.
10. He fell asleep next to me and dreamed about me so hard that he woke up after an hour and he had to kiss me. I think he breathed my name into my chest but I couldn’t be sure. He said he loved my shoulder: the left one, not the right.